Self Care Saturdays
I'm a massive preacher when it comes to Self-care Saturdays. It's easy to look at self-care as a follow up to a bad mental health period but I now use it regularly in both the stormy and sunny moments, that self-care is now a firm part of my lifestyle. I'm sharing my simple but effective five-step self-care ritual.
I'm a massive preacher when it comes to Self-care Saturdays. It's easy to look at self-care as a follow up to a bad mental health period but I now use it regularly in both the stormy and sunny moments, that self-care is now a firm part of my lifestyle. I'm sharing my simple but effective five-step self-care ritual.
I like the thought of self-care being a 'prevention rather than cure' technique and find that taking time out for myself is a major key. It's such a mood booster to actively take time out of your often super busy schedules and to spend time treating yourself. Of course, self-care can be done on any day. Sunday is unofficially my 'Snack-seeking-Sunday's' as I try and load my stomach with cooked dinner from whoever feels in a loving mood, but by all means, make Sunday your self-care day.
Self-care doesn't have to be expensive. I used to think that things like self-care and wellbeing were buzzwords for the elite but I promise you that's not the case. A Spa day is on my list of ultimate relaxation, but doing up DIY spa at home can be just as soothing, I've got no shame in saying that many times I've been chilling at home with my foot soaking in a random bucket.
Step 1: Turn off your phone.
(Well not now, now) Disconnect from the outside world. No socials, no texts, no calls. It's easier to connect with yourself and be present when you remove one of the biggest distractions.
Step 2: Soak in a nice hot bath.
I picked up some Bath Fizz from Baylis & Harding (My Grandma loves the brand, which means they are real boujie) If you only have access to a shower get a real flavoursome shower gel and take a long shower. ( Blaze the showerhead on different body parts for a hydro effect)
Step 3: Put on something comfy, something that makes you feel at ease and settled.
I bought a dressing gown from Marks & Spencers for £30. I kept repeating to myself "You really spent £30 on a dressing gown what di..." Anyway, it is now my favourite item of clothing, and I refuse to be without it.
Step 4: Put on a face mask
. Face masks for me are more than just the physical process. The whole experience feels like a sort of reset. Also when you have the mask on you're forced to slow your actions all the way down and just relax. Then if it's a good face mask boom, bam your face is left feeling brand new aka "Tunn all the way up." I tried a new face mask this time, which I found really fiddly, but it was literally what it said on the packaging, a "moisture bomb"
Step 5: Bring out that comfort snack and devour it.
We all have that one comfort snack, or two or three, or four. *This is a judgement-free zone* I have to eat a crunchie bar, and I have a certain technique for eating it that I will only do when I am super comfortable.
When you're ready reconnect with the world, or extend your phone absence basking in your own company. Either way, you'll be left feeling happy that you took some time out for yourself, and reminding yourself that you're an O.G (Original Gangster)
Frizzy
Sisterly Support Part 2: My Initial Thoughts After Attending Therapy
I've got to be brutally honest after my first group therapy session I thought to myself, "Nah man…*inserts multiple swear words* This is not for me." I didn't like sitting in a circle alongside strangers and having to talk, it made feel stupid for even going.
I've got to be brutally honest after my first group therapy session I thought to myself, "Nah man…*inserts multiple swear words* This is not for me." I didn't like sitting in a circle alongside strangers and having to talk, it made feel stupid for even going.
In my mind group therapy was a mixture of a cringey camping retreat and an AA (Alcohol Anonymous) meeting and somewhere my anti-self would rather not be!
I'll jump back to end of 2017. After waiting for 3 years on a waiting list for this particular programme, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. I received a letter from the NHS telling me that I was at the top of the list. I remember crying and being sure it was a lifeline because I couldn’t see myself going on for any longer, every day just felt harder and harder to finish. However, it took until August for me to actually start the programme. On my particular programme I have therapy twice a week, one day group therapy and on another day one-on-one therapy.
As I mentioned in Part one of the series: Advice for anyone starting DBT I think having a journal and writing your thoughts and feelings down throughout the whole programme is a major key! I go through stages really frequently where I feel very distrusting. So it's no good someone telling me how far I've come. I need to see for myself. Reading my journal entries from last year, especially after my initial therapy sessions, has really opened my eyes and allowed me to see my progress. The glow up is real*
“These therapy sessions at times have been a blur. I was so excited to finally get it that I never thought of any other factors.”
“In my head, I think I thought this was going to be a quick fix.”
“I successfully attended my first group DBT. I was really anxious and thinking of excuses not to attend but I actually made it...”
“A quirky bunch of attendees. But I like that we all have BPD.”
It's important that I tell you this because you need to know the nitty-gritty reality I went through to understand how therapy has saved me and how much you can and will benefit from it. Do you know how many times I had to verbally talk myself into going back to therapy? For weeks on end I had to remind myself about an hour before therapy started that it wasn’t as bad as I was letting myself believe it was.It was like child bribery seriously. I know how you feel and where your head is at!
Give it time, you got this!
Frizzy
Sisterly Support Part 1: Advice For Anyone Starting DBT
I’m here giving you some sibling love. I wanted to do a post detailing the advice I would have appreciated so much before starting and in my first few sessions of DBT. I remember looking online and learning loosely what DBT was, but nothing helped ease my anxiety of what to expect and I struggled to find first-hand experiences.
I’m here giving you some sibling love. I wanted to do a post detailing the advice I would have appreciated so much before starting and in my first few sessions of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). I remember looking online and learning loosely what DBT was, but nothing helped ease my anxiety of what to expect and I struggled to find first-hand experiences.
I'm currently doing DBT and this is part 1 of what will grow into being my therapy series. In part 2 I'm honest about how I felt when I started. I've just had 2 newcomers join my group DBT, and I felt a lot of empathy when they discussed their discomfort about joining the group.
Before you even read any further I wanr you to acknowledge that you have made the first step. You've decided that you want to feel and operate better. That takes a lot, and it's not easy to come to that conclusion so be proud of yourself.
Try and go into your therapy with an open mind
I know it's easier said than done and our minds run wild with the ifs, buts, and maybes. Focus your attention on all the positive things that can come out of this by physically writing them out.
Voice how you feel about being new to the group
Every single person sitting in the room was once the newbie and in your position and can relate to how you're feeling. Your vulnerability can make you feel more comfortable about opening up, as well as starting conversations amongst the whole group.
Therapy will get better
Don't judge yourself if you feel in a heightened state and the first couple of sessions feel like a blur. You need time to adjust and soak in what is happening.
You know more skills than you know, I promise you
Some of the skills you will get taught are coping strategies that you already use but haven't put a name to.
For example, you went to the first session and decided that you weren't going to go back. But you boom you are there same time next week for the next session. You used a skill to get yourself back to therapy!
Look at the diary cards and worksheets as part of your therapy
Avoid separating them and defining the diary cards and worksheets as homework. (I know school wasn't everyone's favourite place so let's banish the word homework)
Fill out the diary cards daily
Filling in a week's worth 5 mins before a session is anxiety-provoking. Place it somewhere so bait that you can't ignore it even if you wanted to. Put it on the front of your fridge, on your mirror, your bathroom cabinet.
Get a journal and write about your week
Either hold on to your diary cards and organise them or buy a journal. In your journal, you can write about your week using your diary cards as a template. The proof in seeing how far you've come on your journey is documenting it and being able to look back.
Just turning up to the session is not going to help you
I'd probably tell you to f*** off if I'd been told this, but it really is what I needed, but definitely did not want to hear. *I'd expect my sister to be honest.*
Turning up to the sessions is a bold move but it is only the first step. You need to be fully present and engaged. Some days you'll need to constantly remind yourself why you originally chose to come to therapy because it is hard.
Have you found the advice useful? What else would you like this series to cover?
Frizzy
5 Songs On My "I'm Feeling Sad" Playlist
Through being in therapy I've realised that I've always struggled with being able to identify what particular emotion I'm feeling when I'm in an emotional state. The problem with that is you can't work to improve your mood if you are not in tune with how you are feeling.
One way I've been able to muddle through my conflicting moods is through listening to music. I thought I'd share some songs from my sad playlist with you. Sadness is one of the emotions I've always tried to push away, but pushing away emotions can be really detrimental. So now I allow myself to feel. I put on my Blue mink Nightgown, switch off my phone and turn on this playlist. I usually jump in a bubble bath, and cry whilst singing through the playlist, extra melodramatic but even more comforting.
Find a spot that feels comfortable, turn your phone on airplane mode and just vibes out. If you want to sing, sing. If you want to cry, cry. (If it makes you feel any better I'm a really ugly crier.) Sometimes it takes 5 songs to bring me back, other times it'll take 2 albums, and also on other days it'll require the playlist on repetition and a day in my bed. All 3 are okay, don't rush yourself.
No matter how long it takes when I’m done feeling sad I remind myself that I’m an O.G and go forth and slay! Let the slay be with you!
1. Kiana Ledé Featuring Jenifer Lewis - Heavy
(Taken from the 2019 'Myself' EP)
"Something feels like it's weighing me down, yeah. It takes control, turns my faith into doubt."
*The song outro is real tough love*
2. Bridget Kelly - Little Did You Know
(Taken from the 2019 'Reality Bites' album)
"The last few years have knocked me down but I'm still here. Trying not to lose my mind."
3. Katy B, Craig David & Major Lazer - Who Am I
(Taken from the 2016 'Honey' album)
"I got this pain and I don't know what to do with it. I've got this pain and I just can't be through with it."
4. Jhene Aiko - W.A.Y.S
(Taken from the 2014 'Souled Out' album)
"Everything takes time. You have gotta lose your pride. You have gotta lose your mind. Just to find your peace of mind. You have got to trust the signs. Everything will turn out fine."
5. Solange - Cranes in the Sky
(Taken from 2016 'Seat At the Table' album)
"I tried to keep myself busy. I ran around in circles, think I made myself dizzy."
For extra vybzing out if you need a superboost play Jorja smith's 2018 Lost & Found album and/or Jhene Aiko's 2014 Souled out album. They are both calming, and the have a consistent tone throughout each album.
Do you have a sad playlist? Could you see it working for you?
Frizzy
What’s In My Happy Box - And Why You Need One Too
Not everyone has a therapist, but everyone can have a happy box. I've been told numerous times by therapists to create a happy box that holds happy things and I've just never got around to officially doing it. As there is no time like the present I decided this week to locate an empty box and stock up. I did it because like many others I want to help myself by preparing for the bad days whilst I'm having good days.
I woke up on Tuesday after 5 days of tears, naps,waves of rage and craved fish soup. Fish soup in 27 degree celsius British weather? Yes, Fish soup. It's my happy, feel-good dish. It makes me feel warm and full. Cup half full or half-empty? Gurl my cup got filled all the way up. The day before, on Monday, I arrived at therapy looking like a corpse, and I have to admit I hadn’t bathed or combed my hair for 2 days. I just felt so zonked. After an hour with my therapist, I can’t lie she is a magician, I left feeling empowered. More so, because she doesn’t let me sit quietly for the hour, and she helped me to climb out of my emotional ditch and empower myself.
Not everyone has a therapist, but everyone can have a happy box. I've been told numerous times by therapists to create a happy box that holds happy things and I've just never got around to officially doing it. As there is no time like the present I decided this week to locate an empty box and stock up. I did it because like many others I want to help myself by preparing for the bad days whilst I'm having good days.
The contents of the box are really helpful when trying to either settle heightened emotions, and when pulling yourself into the present. I'm sharing the goodies in my happy box to spark your interest in creating your own happy box. It’s all about catering to your 5 senses. Happy boxes also make the best gifts. Because of the nature of it, it’s really personal and thoughtful.
Taste
A pack of your favourite biscuits, chocolate bar, boujie herbal tea …
What’s in my box? Fish soup of course! Well it can't go in the box for obvious reasons, but I make sure that meal is included. And I always have Marks & Spencers Pistachio & Almond Cookies as back up! In my soup though I have Red bream fish, Okra, Butternut squash, Plantain, Yam, Dumpling, Spring onions, Scotch Bonnet *I've given you the ingredients because sharing is caring, but I got to be honest, my yé is different from your yé*
Smell
A fragranced candle, flavoured oil, scented soap,
What’s in my box?Some French perfume my Ga'mama has used on my since I was a baby. It's not the best smelling perfume but it brings up warm memories of being at my Ga'mamas house.
Touch
Leaves, play dough, sand, a ribbon, a piece of jewelry…
What’s in my box? I have some sea shells that I've collected at beaches throughout my travels and brought home with me. They have different textures and I love playing with them.
Hear
A music single/album, a recorded message on a USB…
What’s in my box: Miguel's 2018 album 'War & Leisure' really grounds me. The album is so wavy and follows Miguel's R&B/Soul aura. Except for 2 songs the album has no swear words and I find his voice really soothing.
My two favourite songs when I need cheering up are 'Pineapple Skies' followed by 'Caramelo Duro' which has me dancing and repeating 4/5 times.
See
Bath bombs, a prayer, uplifting quotes, photos …
What’s in my box: 3 photographs
Far right photo - This was taken in Tunisia, 2013 the first time I ever went on holiday, like actually got on a plane and left England. The picture reminds me of a time I was independent and tried something for the first time, reminding me that it will happen again.
Far left photo - This was taken on my third birthday. My mum took me to the cinema for my first time and we saw 'Casper'. Plus I had McDonalds which was a treat. This picture reminds me that there were some really good moments in my childhood.
Middle photo - I'm about 6-9 months old there. It brings me happiness looking back at the beautiful & peaceful lil bubba I was.
Do you have a happy box? What would/do you keep in your happy box?
Frizzy
Living With Social Anxiety
I am currently typing this on a Sunday after, yet another weekend of plans that I was a no- show too. I missed out on a Mexican night with my university classmates which would have involved a healthy dose of tequila and also partying with my sister, no doubt on tables. I have not left my house since Friday, and this has been the cycle for more months than I care to remember. I wish I could communicate and explain why I don't turn up to plans and why I distance and isolate myself to others. I'll try to explain my anxiety in an understandable way.
I am currently typing this on a Sunday after, yet another weekend of plans that I was a no- show too. I missed out on a Mexican night with my university classmates which would have involved a healthy dose of tequila and also partying with my sister, no doubt on tables. I have not left my house since Friday, and this has been the cycle for more months than I care to remember.
I wish I could communicate and explain why I don't turn up to plans or why I distance and isolate myself from others. I'll try to explain my anxiety in an understandable way.
When I make plans I genuinely plan to keep them. I am excited at first and look forward to enjoying the moment and creating memories. Then as the date approaches I start feeling funny, my chest feels tight, I feel really uncomfortable, and then I mysteriously feel really tired and anti. My anxiety makes me second, third and fourth guess myself. It makes me feel like friends have abandoned me and I'm on the outside. I am on the outside but realistically I'm the one putting myself there.
I don't want to miss out on things, I'm in my 20s I want to run around wild and shake a leg but, I find myself with an unlimited mental list of things I need to know before I consider leaving my house. Who will be there? How will I navigate? Is there definitely parking? And most importantly will I be able to cope?
It's confusing because I'm not a shy person. Like seriously, not in the slightest. I'd describe myself as quite hype and lively but there's also this side to me that severely lacks energy and motivation. It is almost as if my brain triggers a switch that causes me to overthink to the point of an internal explosion.
I feel a pang of FOMO (fear of missing out). I hate when I read short versions of stuff and no one makes it clear what it means.
But yeah, when I'm huddled in bed thinking about what I'm missing out on I get really annoyed with myself. It's not like I go bed and I'm sparked out sleeping all night. I'm sitting there with my brain whizzing around stressing about random things. The worst thing is seeing snaps and pictures of the things I missed out on, knowing that I wanted to be there but my mind enslaved me. Knowing that I've missed out on yet another memory.
Each time I tell myself I'll be more sociable and get out there, hoping that I will synchronise my words with actions one day soon. The one thing I have noticed though is that I do relatively well with spontaneous plans. I feel like it bypasses a lot of anxiety, takes the edge of things and allows me to live in the moment. I know this is not the case for everyone but for me, I'm so manic that by the time I adjust to my surroundings I'm already out and genuinely enjoying myself before my mind can start doing the moonwalk.
I can't preach to anyone about how to overcome social anxiety because to be 100% real I am experiencing it now the worst I ever have. I'm not sure how to make it better but I'm going to seek professional help and go from there and keep updating people on my journey. People don't notice this rocky side of me because I'm not overly into divulging my issues, but bare in mind that even those that appear to be the strongest are breaking down inside.
I'm going to doing these sort of posts more regularly, as Mental health is something that I think gets brushed to the side and its real shit and it's affecting us. Additionally, this better be some sort of therapy for myself. *Peep the silent threat to my mind*