The Lockdown Blues

I write this, honestly whilst still trying to gather my life, fragile mental health and whatever broken parts are lying around of myself together in some form. As I write this my Tulips residing in a vase in front of me are on their last legs. Petal by petal making their great escape, only to land on my desk, which represents my dreams of wanting to travel and flourish, and the reality that I’m not going anywhere.

Aside from that, I actually love watching petals and leaves fall down. There is something captivating about knowing that they will eventually hit the ground but watching them float in the meantime. Does it signal rebirth? Hmm, I mean I think I’m so far gone at this point that I’m trying to find some purpose for myself right about now anywhere. Do you find yourself doing that? Clutching on things to try and find some sort of meaning or sign.

Right, I’ve been M.I.A for a little while on my website. A combination of no internet, next to no motivation, and a growing fear of returning to something after feeling like I’d abandoned it. Guilt, I think that’s the right word.

Did I mention that I am also looking crusty? I had no lip balm at one point, so I was a hot mess. My night gown is now my everyday gown. When this shit is over, I’ve just deeped it, I’ll have to throw away this gown. It no longer represents a bougie Frizzy, who partied for her best friend’s birthday party in it. It’ll be renamed the Glo’ down Gown! I’m so sad! I would cry, but I’m actually fresh out of tears. I’ve cried so much, that I’m struggling to pinpoint what even set me off.

Anyway, I can’t report that I had a successful pre lockdown shop to LUSH cosmetics, or anywhere. The lockdown in the England snuck in with an evening address on TV by England’s Prime Minister, followed immediately with shops being closed from that same night.

I can say that I’ve rummaged my way through Netflix. Between finishing Homeland, The Crown and random Telenovelas I feel all Netflix’d out. What are you watching, and most importantly what do I need to be watching?

I’m writing to get myself out of my funk, and to let you know that if you are too feeling shitty, and further away from happy or indifferent at this time you are not alone. So right about now, we are going to own our lockdown blues. Then we’ll get around to climbing back up later.

Drop me a comment or email, if you’d like to talk. Because genuinely, you are not alone, and even though it feels like this will last forever. It will eventually pass.

What Self Care Means To Me

I often talk about laying in my dressing gown with a fresh face mask, doing my Self Care Saturdays or Sundays. At this point of Corona season, it’s becoming a rotation of several days during the week also, but self care is certainly not limited to face masks. Self care is about taking deliberate and active steps to put yourself at the front and centre making sure that you are meeting your needs and uplifting your wellbeing. Most importantly self care is about taking the time to love and prioritise yourself.

Things like taking time out and turning off your phone for 24 hours, taking 15 minutes to slowly moisturise your body with coconut oil, and dancing in front of the mirror to your favourite album are all acts of self care. Pinpointing things that you enjoy and making time for them regularly in your schedule are acts of self care.

Relaxation is often the type of self care I’ve always found beneficial and in all honesty easier. Quick and straight forward feel good activities have always boosted me up. Now I really try to put more of an emphasis into a mental capacity, focusing on mindfulness and reflection. I still love relaxation but I’m also exploring different elements of self care. Recently I’ve been sitting down with flipchart paper and writing out things like my boundaries in relationships. I also make time to check in with myself and explore how I’m feeling in my current state and one of the biggest acts of self care I’ve found is giving myself cry time. Have you ever brushed off your emotions because you’ve got a lot to do and find yourself just functioning like a robot? When I get there consistently it’s cry time. I wish I’d learned sooner that crying is such a good relief. I’m definitely an ugly crier. But, once I’m finished I feel so rejuvenated. And if I don’t I take a swift nap.

What do you do as self care? And do you exercise self care enough?

Trichotillomania

Hair is forever talked about in the Black community. You can literally tell someone you like their hairstyle, and you’ll be in a long ass discussion about what Instagram page they took inspiration from, how long they intend to keep that style for and a whole leap more. You probably won’t get told where they got their hair done though. Those answers are secretive. I know people that will not share their hairstylist with their sister… Its gets like that

One phrase that always comes up is “good hair,” so I’m often met with confusion when I talk about my decision to keep my hair short. I’ve written about my experience for Black Ballad, a black-owned news platform giving centre stage to Black women, read the article for more details.

Good hair is a term that I don’t like. It gives the notion that certain hair is better than others and I’ve seen the insecurity it causes people. Google good hair and you’ll immediately see images of people with straight to wavy long hair. There’s no such thing as good hair. There are good hair care routines, and there is also good self-love. But good hair is mythical. It’s generally used to describe hair with loose curl patterns.

But I want to focus on Trichotillomania specifically. This isn’t going into alopecia and loss of edges due to wig wear etc but the act of pulling compulsively at your hair to gain a release. This can be your scalp, eyebrows, eyelids, underarms and any other body part. It’s like an urge that you have to fulfil to release stress.

I’ve had this issue for a few years now and honestly couldn’t explain it to others, especially to those that seemed more into my hair then I was. I definitely think that cultural elements and the way afro hair is critiqued so closely, were factors influencing why I found it hard to explain this issue to others.

It’s not something I was doing very often at first but when I was pulling at my hair, generally the front of my hair, I was gradually ripping chunks out. About 2 weeks ago, after getting back from holiday and feeling overwhelmed I pulled my hair constantly for 2 days. It got to the point that I had a banging headache and my scalp was bright pink but even then I kept grabbing at my hair. After 2 days I finally woke up one morning, grabbed hair clippers and shaved off all my hair. It seems extreme but I knew that I wouldn’t stop pulling, I literally couldn’t stop. I’ve even found myself when stressed out in the past 10 days running my hands over my head trying to find long enough hair strands to pull. Newsflash… there are none.

If anyone has suffered from trichotillomania or has any tips/tricks please share them in the comments section below. In the meantime, I’m testing out some methods and will share a new post when I’ve figured out some positive coping mechanisms.

---

I’m sharing my experience with trichotillomania for a few reasons:

1: I could help someone else on their journey. Maybe they’ve been doing this and hadn’t even noticed.

2: I’m beyond tired of being told that I have “good hair” so should grow it back. Awareness can help people avoid these unnessecary encounters,

3: Mental Health issues do not discriminate yet for the most part when I read/hear about Mental Health issues it’s not by someone in my demographic.

---

Self Care Saturdays

I'm a massive preacher when it comes to Self-care Saturdays. It's easy to look at self-care as a follow up to a bad mental health period but I now use it regularly in both the stormy and sunny moments, that self-care is now a firm part of my lifestyle. I'm sharing my simple but effective five-step self-care ritual.

I like the thought of self-care being a 'prevention rather than cure' technique and find that taking time out for myself is a major key. It's such a mood booster to actively take time out of your often super busy schedules and to spend time treating yourself.  Of course, self-care can be done on any day. Sunday is unofficially my 'Snack-seeking-Sunday's' as I try and load my stomach with cooked dinner from whoever feels in a loving mood, but by all means, make Sunday your self-care day. 

Self-care doesn't have to be expensive. I used to think that things like self-care and wellbeing were buzzwords for the elite but I promise you that's not the case. A Spa day is on my list of ultimate relaxation, but doing up DIY spa at home can be just as soothing, I've got no shame in saying that many times I've been chilling at home with my foot soaking in a random bucket.

Step 1: Turn off your phone.

(Well not now, now) Disconnect from the outside world. No socials, no texts, no calls. It's easier to connect with yourself and be present when you remove one of the biggest distractions.

Step 2: Soak in a nice hot bath.

I picked up some Bath Fizz from Baylis & Harding (My Grandma loves the brand, which means they are real boujie) If you only have access to a shower get a real flavoursome shower gel and take a long shower. ( Blaze the showerhead on different body parts for a hydro effect) 

Step 3: Put on something comfy, something that makes you feel at ease and settled.

I bought a dressing gown from Marks & Spencers for £30. I kept repeating to myself "You really spent £30 on a dressing gown what di..." Anyway, it is now my favourite item of clothing, and I refuse to be without it. 

Step 4: Put on a face mask

. Face masks for me are more than just the physical process. The whole experience feels like a sort of reset. Also when you have the mask on you're forced to slow your actions all the way down and just relax. Then if it's a good face mask boom, bam your face is left feeling brand new aka "Tunn all the way up." I tried a new face mask this time, which I found really fiddly, but it was literally what it said on the packaging, a "moisture bomb" 

Step 5: Bring out that comfort snack and devour it.

We all have that one comfort snack, or two or three, or four. *This is a judgement-free zone* I have to eat a crunchie bar, and I have a certain technique for eating it that I will only do when I am super comfortable. 

When you're ready reconnect with the world, or extend your phone absence basking in your own company. Either way, you'll be left feeling happy that you took some time out for yourself, and reminding yourself that you're an O.G (Original Gangster)

Frizzy

Rona Madness: BPD Update

This week Rona season is not actually running me down into the ground. It feels mad typing this. But for the first time ever I feel like having Borderline Personality Disorder has prepared me for something. Big man ting, it’s about time! The uncertainty, panic and craziness are three things that consistently live inside my head so now that it’s out in the world I honestly feel more relaxed.

I also think that being a homebody has a big impact on how you find being restricted to your house. I like being indoors away from people. It makes my life calmer, and I don’t have to work on social skills. I’m so stink I know, I know… maybe after Rona, I’ll work on being social. Have you seen the meme where it says after the lockdown is over invite me everywhere, I promise I’ll come!

I got knocked down yesterday and had a long cry when I found out that a friend’s mum had died due to coronavirus related issues. I’m so sensitive to emotions, especially sad ones that I could feel it affecting my physically. I used the skills I learned in therapy to mellow me, but I’ve been bugaboo’ing my mum ever since. In the past, I’d let my sadness turn into a rage because I’d keep trying to squash it, but I remembered that emotions and feelings are likes waves, they come and go. So I let myself cry, I turned to faith and comforted my friend. I’m definitely more heated when I hear people are out and about for nonsense and bantering the lockdown. But I’m recognising the feelings rather than putting on my savage crown and ripping people.

One more thing I’ve felt over the past week is more present. I’ve started going on walks every couple of days and I’ve seen flowers bloom on trees. I’ve looked at daisies in the park and touched them. I haven’t focused on Daisys since about 2001 when I used to make daisy chains at school.

I’m ending the week feeling anxious and sad but it’s justified, so I’m not overwhelmed or stressed that I have these lingering feelings. Am I worried that my emotions will start bubbling and go into overdrive? 100%. But I’m also grateful that I’ve got a whole folder of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy notes for support, and a platform where I can write about how I’m feeling as an outlet.

I keep a couple of post-it notes on my bed just above where I sleep and one is so relevant to the times now. I recite it every morning… “Take It One Day At A Time.” The truth is that is all we can do.

Rona Madness: Let's Check In

*In Adele’s voice* Hello it’s meeeee! Seriously though, I wanted to check in and find out how you’re doing.

In a short space of time, around the world we have gone from being out and about, to “Please don’t go out too much”, to in countries like England and Italy “Oii get in yer house” And whilst I fully support the social distancing and lockdown plan, it can’t help but cloud the mind.

I love being away from people so I was super gassed with the plan. I was doing the Charlton (from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s) side swings originally, but honestly, depression and the overactive thoughts have kicked in this week.

I’m aware of the pattern so I’m doing daily check-ins with myself, and practising techniques I’ve gained from therapy. I’m not a therapist, but I’m going to drop some gems. Each day I begin by being present and stretching. I haven’t mastered meditation yet so I stretch and listen to J Balvin’s new album.

Even if your mental health isn’t swaying into a sensitive direction daily morning check-ins are a good way to be present and set your intentions for the day. So even if you’re in your house riding this out by yourself, make sure you take the time to ask yourself “How am I doing, how do I feel?’

However you’re feeling each day, own it. And take it one day at a time.

Sending you some Frizzy love and light!

Sisterly Support Part 2: My Initial Thoughts After Attending Therapy

I've got to be brutally honest after my first group therapy session I thought to myself, "Nah man…*inserts multiple swear words* This is not for me." I didn't like sitting in a circle alongside strangers and having to talk, it made feel stupid for even going. 

In my mind group therapy was a mixture of a cringey camping retreat and an AA (Alcohol Anonymous) meeting and somewhere my anti-self would rather not be!

I'll jump back to end of 2017. After waiting for 3 years on a waiting list for this particular programme, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. I received a letter from the NHS telling me that I was at the top of the list. I remember crying and being sure it was a lifeline because I couldn’t see myself going on for any longer, every day just felt harder and harder to finish. However, it took until August for me to actually start the programme. On my particular programme I have therapy twice a week, one day group therapy and on another day one-on-one therapy.

---

---



As I mentioned in Part one of the series: Advice for anyone starting DBT I think having a journal and writing your thoughts and feelings down throughout the whole programme is a major key! I go through stages really frequently where I feel very distrusting. So it's no good someone telling me how far I've come. I need to see for myself. Reading my journal entries from last year, especially after my initial therapy sessions, has really opened my eyes and allowed me to see my progress. The glow up is real*

---

“These therapy sessions at times have been a blur. I was so excited to finally get it that I never thought of any other factors.”

— After my first one-on-session in August

---

“In my head, I think I thought this was going to be a quick fix.”

— After my first one-on-session in August

---

“I successfully attended my first group DBT. I was really anxious and thinking of excuses not to attend but I actually made it...”

— After my first group session in October

---

“A quirky bunch of attendees. But I like that we all have BPD.”

— After my first group session in October

---

It's important that I tell you this because you need to know the nitty-gritty reality I went through to understand how therapy has saved me and how much you can and will benefit from it. Do you know how many times I had to verbally talk myself into going back to therapy? For weeks on end I had to remind myself about an hour before therapy started that it wasn’t as bad as I was letting myself believe it was.It was like child bribery seriously. I know how you feel and where your head is at!

Give it time, you got this!

Frizzy

Sisterly Support Part 1: Advice For Anyone Starting DBT

I’m here giving you some sibling love. I wanted to do a post detailing the advice I would have appreciated so much before starting and in my first few sessions of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). I remember looking online and learning loosely what DBT was, but nothing helped ease my anxiety of what to expect and I struggled to find first-hand experiences. 

I'm currently doing DBT and this is part 1 of what will grow into being my therapy series. In part 2 I'm honest about how I felt when I started. I've just had 2 newcomers join my group DBT, and I felt a lot of empathy when they discussed their discomfort about joining the group.

Before you even read any further I wanr you to acknowledge that you have made the first step. You've decided that you want to feel and operate better. That takes a lot, and it's not easy to come to that conclusion so be proud of yourself.

---

 Try and go into your therapy with an open mind

 I know it's easier said than done and our minds run wild with the ifs, buts, and maybes. Focus your attention on all the positive things that can come out of this by physically writing them out.

---

Voice how you feel about being new to the group

Every single person sitting in the room was once the newbie and in your position and can relate to how you're feeling. Your vulnerability can make you feel more comfortable about opening up, as well as starting conversations amongst the whole group.

---

 Therapy will get better

Don't judge yourself if you feel in a heightened state and the first couple of sessions feel like a blur. You need time to adjust and soak in what is happening.

---

 You know more skills than you know, I promise you

 Some of the skills you will get taught are coping strategies that you already use but haven't put a name to. 

For example, you went to the first session and decided that you weren't going to go back. But you boom you are there same time next week for the next session. You used a skill to get yourself back to therapy!

---

 Look at the diary cards and worksheets as part of your therapy

 Avoid separating them and defining the diary cards and worksheets as homework. (I know school wasn't everyone's favourite place so let's banish the word homework)

---

Fill out the diary cards daily

 Filling in a week's worth 5 mins before a session is anxiety-provoking. Place it somewhere so bait that you can't ignore it even if you wanted to. Put it on the front of your fridge, on your mirror, your bathroom cabinet. 

---

 Get a journal and write about your week

Either hold on to your diary cards and organise them or buy a journal. In your journal, you can write about your week using your diary cards as a template. The proof in seeing how far you've come on your journey is documenting it and being able to look back. 

---

 Just turning up to the session is not going to help you

I'd probably tell you to f*** off if I'd been told this, but it really is what I needed, but definitely did not want to hear. *I'd expect my sister to be honest.*

Turning up to the sessions is a bold move but it is only the first step. You need to be fully present and engaged. Some days you'll need to constantly remind yourself why you originally chose to come to therapy because it is hard.

Have you found the advice useful? What else would you like this series to cover?

Frizzy

What’s In My Happy Box - And Why You Need One Too

I woke up on Tuesday after 5 days of tears, naps,waves of rage and craved fish soup. Fish soup in 27 degree celsius British weather? Yes, Fish soup. It's my happy, feel-good dish. It makes me feel warm and full. Cup half full or half-empty? Gurl my cup got filled all the way up. The day before, on Monday, I arrived at therapy looking like a corpse, and I have to admit I hadn’t bathed or combed my hair for 2 days. I just felt so zonked. After an hour with my therapist, I can’t lie she is a magician, I left feeling empowered. More so, because she doesn’t let me sit quietly for the hour, and she helped me to climb out of my emotional ditch and empower myself.

---

Not everyone has a therapist, but everyone can have a happy box. I've been told numerous times by therapists to create a happy box that holds happy things and I've just never got around to officially doing it. As there is no time like the present I decided this week to locate an empty box and stock up. I did it because like many others I want to help myself by preparing for the bad days whilst I'm having good days.

The contents of the box are really helpful when trying to either settle heightened emotions, and when pulling yourself into the present. I'm sharing the goodies in my happy box to spark your interest in creating your own happy box. It’s all about catering to your 5 senses. Happy boxes also make the best gifts. Because of the nature of it, it’s really personal and thoughtful.

Taste

A pack of your favourite biscuits, chocolate bar, boujie herbal tea …

What’s in my box? Fish soup of course! Well it can't go in the box for obvious reasons, but I make sure that meal is included. And I always have Marks & Spencers Pistachio & Almond Cookies as back up! In my soup though I have Red bream fish, Okra, Butternut squash, Plantain, Yam, Dumpling, Spring onions, Scotch Bonnet *I've given you the ingredients because sharing is caring, but I got to be honest, my yé is different from your yé*

Smell

A fragranced candle, flavoured oil, scented soap,

What’s in my box?Some French perfume my Ga'mama has used on my since I was a baby. It's not the best smelling perfume but it brings up warm memories of being at my Ga'mamas house.

Touch

Leaves, play dough, sand, a ribbon, a piece of jewelry…

What’s in my box? I have some sea shells that I've collected at beaches throughout my travels and brought home with me. They have different textures and I love playing with them.

Hear

A music single/album, a recorded message on a USB…

What’s in my box: Miguel's 2018 album 'War & Leisure' really grounds me. The album is so wavy and follows Miguel's R&B/Soul aura. Except for 2 songs the album has no swear words and I find his voice really soothing.

My two favourite songs when I need cheering up are 'Pineapple Skies' followed by 'Caramelo Duro' which has me dancing and repeating 4/5 times.

See

Bath bombs, a prayer, uplifting quotes, photos …

What’s in my box: 3 photographs

Far right photo - This was taken in Tunisia, 2013 the first time I ever went on holiday, like actually got on a plane and left England. The picture reminds me of a time I was independent and tried something for the first time, reminding me that it will happen again.

Far left photo -  This was taken on my third birthday. My mum took me to the cinema for my first time and we saw 'Casper'. Plus I had McDonalds which was a treat. This picture reminds me that there were some really good moments in my childhood. 

Middle photo - I'm about 6-9 months old there. It brings me happiness looking back at the beautiful & peaceful lil bubba I was.

Do you have a happy box? What would/do you keep in your happy box?

Frizzy

Living With Social Anxiety

I am currently typing this on a Sunday after, yet another weekend of plans that I was a no- show too. I missed out on a Mexican night with my university classmates which would have involved a healthy dose of tequila and also partying with my sister, no doubt on tables. I have not left my house since Friday, and this has been the cycle for more months than I care to remember.

I wish I could communicate and explain why I don't turn up to plans or why I distance and isolate myself from others. I'll try to explain my anxiety in an understandable way.

When I make plans I genuinely plan to keep them. I am excited at first and look forward to enjoying the moment and creating memories. Then as the date approaches I start feeling funny, my chest feels tight, I feel really uncomfortable, and then I mysteriously feel really tired and anti. My anxiety makes me second, third and fourth guess myself. It makes me feel like friends have abandoned me and I'm on the outside. I am on the outside but realistically I'm the one putting myself there.

I don't want to miss out on things, I'm in my 20s I want to run around wild and shake a leg but, I find myself with an unlimited mental list of things I need to know before I consider leaving my house. Who will be there? How will I navigate? Is there definitely parking? And most importantly will I be able to cope?

It's confusing because I'm not a shy person. Like seriously, not in the slightest. I'd describe myself as quite hype and lively but there's also this side to me that severely lacks energy and motivation. It is almost as if my brain triggers a switch that causes me to overthink to the point of an internal explosion.

I feel a pang of FOMO (fear of missing out). I hate when I read short versions of stuff and no one makes it clear what it means.

But yeah, when I'm huddled in bed thinking about what I'm missing out on I get really annoyed with myself. It's not like I go bed and I'm sparked out sleeping all night. I'm sitting there with my brain whizzing around stressing about random things. The worst thing is seeing snaps and pictures of the things I missed out on, knowing that I wanted to be there but my mind enslaved me. Knowing that I've missed out on yet another memory.

Each time I tell myself I'll be more sociable and get out there, hoping that I will synchronise my words with actions one day soon. The one thing I have noticed though is that I do relatively well with spontaneous plans. I feel like it bypasses a lot of anxiety, takes the edge of things and allows me to live in the moment. I know this is not the case for everyone but for me, I'm so manic that by the time I adjust to my surroundings I'm already out and genuinely enjoying myself before my mind can start doing the moonwalk.

I can't preach to anyone about how to overcome social anxiety because to be 100% real I am experiencing it now the worst I ever have. I'm not sure how to make it better but I'm going to seek professional help and go from there and keep updating people on my journey. People don't notice this rocky side of me because I'm not overly into divulging my issues, but bare in mind that even those that appear to be the strongest are breaking down inside.

I'm going to doing these sort of posts more regularly, as Mental health is something that I think gets brushed to the side and its real shit and it's affecting us. Additionally, this better be some sort of therapy for myself. *Peep the silent threat to my mind*

Frizzy